Breastfeeding and Weaning My Last: Reflections From an IBCLC

Friend do it this way - that is,

whatever you do in life

do the very best you can

with both your heart and mind.

And if you do it that way,

the Power Of The Universe

will come to your assistance,

if your heart and mind are in Unity.

When one sits in the Hoop Of The People,

one must be responsible because

All of Creation is related.

And the hurt of one is the hurt of all.

And the honor of one is the honor of all.

And whatever we do effects everything in the universe.

If you do it that way - that is,

if you truly join your heart and mind

as One - whatever you ask for,

that's the Way It's Going To Be.

~passed down from White Buffalo Calf Woman

When you spend your days AND nights empowering moms across the country to breastfeed, while breastfeeding your own children, the want and need to stop can present a mixed bag of emotions. There is so much energy required to encourage moms to initiate and continue nursing, that moms who have nursed beyond the national and even world averages may be somewhat reluctant to lament about their desire to wean. Just as I was privately struggling with my decision to wean, my colleague Camie Jae Goldhammer, was courageously and publicly declaring the very end of her own breastfeeding journey. How did it go? Read it here for yourself: 

Jo and I are having some serious talks about weaning the last few weeks. Tomorrow morning may be her last nursing session. Emphasis on may. I've offered her $100 to stop. She wasn't interested until D told her that was enough to buy the giant box of all the princess Barbies at Target. Now she's in it to win it. Fingers crossed!

JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey Day 1: JoJo woke up this morning and jumped right into playing with D without even asking to nurse. Tonight at bedtime she was totally fine with cuddling to sleep and "holding nukie" and just kicked me out of her bed saying she'd like to read herself to sleep "like D". She also knows that we can turn her bed into a bunkbed as soon as I no longer need to get into with her. I think she may be thinking along these lines. So, JoJo gets $5 for today toward her weaning present! I'm a little sad she didn't want to nurse this morning. I was ready to have our "Last Session" and maybe even take a picture. But alas, it was not meant to be. When D weaned it took me a month to realize she hadn't nursed. I don't remember when her last session was and at the time I didn't know it was her last either. So it looks like last night might have been Jo's last session... if all goes well the next few weeks.

Toddler Weaning: What's Your Pleasure 

Day 2 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: Last night JoJo realized she hadn't had her "last nukie" and asked if it could be this morning. I told her "We'll see." So, this morning I'm in bed and hear the girls coming downstairs and kind of jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom knowing that if I stayed in bed- one thing would have lead to another and I would have nursed Jo. Anyway, the girls waited for me on the stairs and we went about our morning. Cuddling on the couch, reading books, breakfast, etc. It was perfect. Tonight the Mr. and I saw Patti Smith (Amazing!) so I missed bedtime. So day 2 is complete and we didn't nurse! Also, when I picked D up from school I ran into the director of Jo's preschool and she told me that all the teachers were talking about how smart JoJo is and that it must be because she's still breastfed.

Camie Jae, Jo, and D

Day 3 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: Another easy peasy day. Jo still likes to hold her nukie but has not even mentioned nursing. I am even more confident in my decision seeing how much of a non issue this is for JoJo. We're only 3 days in and she may change her mind tomorrow but I will say I am pretty impressed with my sweet girl. 

I miss all these things and always will.

Day 4 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: You guys this is too easy. JoJo has not even batted an eye at not nursing. She really doesn't seem to care at all. What is so cool is that it seems to have unleashed this super big kid in her. She no longer needs or wants to be cuddled to sleep, she want to read herself to sleep at night, she wants to stop wearing pull-ups to bed, etc. It is really cool to see and just reinforces how right this is for us. 

Breastfeeding USA: Weaning- Every Mother's Journey

I've had lots of people ask how I am doing. I am doing just fine. I am excited to experience this new phase of mothering with JoJo. I'm not sad. I am proud of the little humans my body grew and continued to grow for 4 years and 4.25 years respectively. I am in awe of the protection my milk gave my babies for so many years (Not a single ear, respiratory or GI infection, ever!). I will look back on the last 6.75 years I have spend nourishing my kids with great fondness. Breastfeeding has changed my life. It has brought amazing people into my life, it has become my work, it has given me the ability to travel all over the country. I have planned conferences and created organizations. I have helped hundreds of families breastfeed. I've connected to ancestors I didn't know were there. I have loved it all and as this part of my life comes to a close forever I have nothing but gratitude. And I am so so so thankful that the day I had Dylan, laying in the OR post cesarean I decided I would give breastfeeding a "try". I had no expectations. No goals. Just a willingness to try and look where it has taken me.

Camie Jae and Baby D

Day 5 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: So this morning JoJo woke up pretty sad. I got in bed with her and she asked to nurse. She was kind of crying. She kept saying the only thing that will make her feel better was nukie. She even declared "I am too little to stop having nukie!". I continued to comfort her but told her my nukie was empty and all the milk was gone. She was sad  and crying for a good 3-5 minutes but I could tell it wasn't a deep sadness. After a few minutes Dylan jumped in a reminded JoJo about her special weaning gift and suggested we lay in bed a read. JoJo wiped her tears and agreed. So we survived our first mini breakdown without nursing. It's interesting needing to find other ways to comfort JoJo. For so long nursing has been my go to. You fell? Nurse. Your sister hit you? Here's a boob. You missed me? Have some nukie. 

Aside from going to bed pretty late Jo has settled into reading and playing to sleep. She doesn't want to lay with her at all. Her and D just do their thing and then D tells Jo it's late and time to go to sleep and she goes to sleep. Just like that. Tonight I went and checked on them and they were cuddled up in Jo's bed fast asleep. So sweet. I love their relationship and I love the way Dylan is supporting both JoJo and I during this transition. She's been a huge help.

 7 Things I Will Miss About Breastfeeding My Son

Days 6 and 7 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: Man, putting a kid to sleep without the boob kind of sucks. I really have prided myself on being the world's laziest parent (this is why I breastfed and bedshared for so long :) ). But seriously, the last 2 nights Jo has had a really hard time going to sleep. She has cried, wanted to play, needed water, another book, a banana, another banana, blah, blah, blah. Last night she fell asleep around 10:30 (got in bed at 8:30). Had I nursed her she would have been out in about 5 minutes. But I didn't nurse her. I won (or did I lose since I layed in a twin bed all night?)! Anywho... Really, though, JoJo needs to know that she doesn't "need nukie" to go to sleep just as much as I do. Her first 5 nights were super easy and I figured it was too good to be true. But we are persevering. I have officially gone one whole week without nursing a kid and JoJo is half way to her Disney Princess delux pack. Yeah us!

 I Miss Breastfeeding. Did I Just Say That?

Day 8 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: Well we made it another day but tonight was another rough one. Seriously, nursing kids to sleep is soooooooo much easier than this. I taught tonight and expected the girls to be asleep when I got home at 9:30 but they were both wide awake. JoJo just did not want to go to sleep and told me "These are three choices you have for me to go to sleep. You read me a book, you let me play myself to sleep or you give me nukie." What a stinker. She was also adamant that I was the reason that she was sad. After about 30 minutes of her crying and yelling and trying to negotiate she stood up in bed and said "Here comes the snugglefest!" and belly flopped on top of me and was asleep within 5 minutes. I've never been one to stress about bedtimes but these kids just can't be going to sleep at 10:00 on a school night. Hoping as we settle into things it gets easier. But another day has passed and it is really nice not nursing.

What I Will Miss About Nursing 

Days 9 and 10 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: The last few nights have gone a little better. We've nailed mornings. Jo doesn't even ask to nurse. She doesn't ask to nurse at night either. She has just been having a hard time settling down at night. Last night Eric turned her bed into a loft/bunk bed and she was pretty happy about that... knowing that once it is flipped over that means I will no longer lay down with her. Tonight Eric sang to the girls and they fell asleep by 8:45 or so! Much better than the 10:30 the last several nights. I had to express a little milk today as I was finally feeling a little full and even felt like I was getting plugged duct. But not much to report otherwise. We are moving along and I am still loving it!

Day 14 of JoJo and Mama's Weaning Journey: We are officially done! 6 years, 8 months and 17 days straight of breastfeeding (47 months for D and 52 months for Jo with them overlapping 16 months) and I am done forever. JoJo has rocked the last two weeks and today we celebrated an end of an era with hot chocolate, sprinkle donuts and princess Barbies.

Did you have a special celebration when your child weaned?

A Note From Blossom:

Weaning from breastfeeding begins when 2nd foods are introduced to an infant. It is complete when the child is no longer using the breast for nutrition or comfort. The process to complete weaning may be a long one, and is recommended after one year, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics; after two years, according to the World Health Organization; or whenever the mother and child mutually agree to end this phase of their relationship. Weaning is a personal decision that should not be influenced by pressure from other people or obligations. The decision to wean is complex, and just as the body made adjustments to prepare to nourish a child, there are physiological, hormonal, emotional changes that occur during weaning. Talk to your care provider, a lactation professional, or a mental health professional, if you or someone else notices that your mood has shifted throughout the weaning process or beyond.  

Camie Jae Goldhammer lives with her husband, Eric, and 2 daughters in Seattle, Washington, where she is a social worker and an outspoken breastfeeding advocate, especially for the Native American Community. She is a breastfeeding educator and an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant). She is a public speaker and founding member of three important organizations: Native American Breastfeeding Coalition of Washington, Collaborative for Breastfeeding Action and Justice, and National Association of Professional and Peer Lactation Supporters of Color (NAPPLSC). Her work focuses on the effects of historical and complex traumas on American Indian/Alaska Native families, inequity in breastfeeding support, breastfeeding justice, and food/tribal sovereignty through breastfeeding.

Toddler Weaning: What's Your Pleasure?

You are NOT a pacifier; you are a MOM. You are the sun, the moon, the earth, and the stars. You are liquid love, you are warmth, you are security, you are comfort in the very deepest aspect of the meaning comfort... but you are NOT a pacifier. -Paula Yount

I recently found myself in a non-breastfeeding, non-parenting social media group defending a toddler/ infant tandem nursing video. Everyone in the conversation, including moms who had nursed, spat harsh remarks about the relationship, mostly about how the mother "enjoyed" it so much, because she was smiling, laughing, rubbing the tots hair, and get this: breathing. I initially scrolled past the video in order comment on other pressing posts. However, since most of them know that I am a lactation professional, I was tagged into the post. I cringed. I scrolled past again, but now the notifications were coming, and boy were they tough to read. 

I finally decided to chime in, but I prefaced my remarks with "I'm a lactation counselor and the mother of a toddler nursling. I'll try to give some insight, without being overly intense or sensitive." I spoke my peace... a few times, then gave up. 

Perhaps you've seen the video. This mother was young, pretty, and had breasts that stood off of her chest while she took video of herself, lying on her back, nursing a toddler and a mobile infant. Provocative, right? The comments included mom having fantasies about her son, needing a man, needing attention, and needing to show off her (alleged) implants; while the son was too old, not actually getting any milk, no longer needing breast milk, growing up to be a breast man- and someone even said a rapist. I was horrified, and deeply saddened for our community. 

Not Ever.

I responded with information about breast milk never losing its nutritional benefit, the many reasons why a toddler might continue to nurse, the miracle of tandem nursing and how the toddler may actually be helping the infant to nurse more effectively- or help mom to be less engorged. I mentioned that a pregnant woman with breast augmentation, who wants to breastfeed is deeply concerned that she will be unable to nurse, but if she can, she is, and has every right to be pretty proud of herself- and very grateful. I talked about the movement to normalize breastfeeding and how more mothers are taking the courageous step to re-introduce to America, what was once done without issue, fear, shame, guilt, or judgement. I included that the link between breastfeeding, sex, pedophilia, and incest, is a disgusting one and that breasts are for the purpose of feeding a mammals young, first. Anything the happens outside of that is extra credit. 

25 Historical Images That Normalize Breastfeeding

After someone mentioned how the toddler was "working his tongue", I even shared a video of a typical tongue undulation pattern during breastfeeding. Fascinating!  

Before leaving the discussion entirely, I also brought up the possibility that allowing the older child to continue (or restart) nursing, might have been the best way for the family to adjust to the new baby. I touched on how challenging it can be for some toddlers (of either gender) to wean. Breastfeeding a toddler is often the only time that a mom can get the active tot to sit and relax. Contact with his mother activates a baby's parasympathetic nervous system, which switches off stress, enhances digestions, healing and growth, and imprints calm and connected.  

This is where I am. The World Health Organization states that AFTER two years, nursing should continue until a time that is mutually agreed upon by mother and child. I was ready to close the chapter on our beautiful journey through breastfeeding as we approached my daughter's third birthday. Breastfeeding for us began after a difficult pregnancy, moving to a new state, and into an unsupportive and uninformed breastfeeding environment. Our first latch was within the magic hour, and continued for an hour after that. I never had nipple pain, cracked nipples, mastitis, or low supply issues. I responded well to the pump and when it was time to return to work, I had more than enough. The in-home childcare provider confessed that she was waiting for my stash to run its course. We never ran out. In fact, I really should have donated some, but I was not well-informed on the donation process at the time. When I did have (very normal) fears about being able to make it to the end of year one, I sought and found support at our local La Leche League and Breastfeeding Coalition- It was there where I first witnessed extended breastfeeding and first heard of tandem breastfeeding. 

For us, breastfeeding lived up to its hype entirely, while also giving me the opportunity to help and inspire many other moms and babies whose journeys were not as easy. I became a ROSE and Breastfeeding USA peer counselor, then a certified lactation counselor, during my own breastfeeding journey. I even had the opportunity to encourage moms to nurse by having our picture on hospital walls, bus stop posters, and a city billboard. 

Tennessee Department of Health

Photographs by Erica

That said, my soon-to-be 3 year old was not ready to come to the negotiating table for the recommended "mutual agreement". I never wanted our beautiful story to end dramatically or traumatically. Prior to this, whenever people asked, I quipped that we hoped to be fully weaned before she goes to college. I was beginning to think that we were getting closer to that target date than I had intended. With so many mothers in my many online support groups having challenges to establish or maintain a breastfeeding routine throughout the recommended 1 year (or 2 years), I internalized asking for weaning support in a breastfeeding group as insensitive, so I've been struggling in silence... with a smile, and a little guilt. 

Although after 3 years, and 10 months. I desperately wanted my body back, I was concerned about how my daughter would respond to weaning. More importantly, how was I going to parent without nursing? We have used nursing for everything! It has been an amazing source of nutrition; we believe that it has given her an amazing immune boost, as she is very rarely sick, and when she is, it's never severe, and it's never for very long. When my daughter was tired, we nursed; when she was frustrated, we nursed; when she was overwhelmed (like when watching Frozen on Ice, rink side), we nursed; when she hurt herself, we nursed; when she was afraid, we nursed; when we traveled long distances on buses planes, and trains- aren't you lucky- we nursed; and when she didn't want to sit for me to do her hair, we nursed. Breastfeeding was a magic bullet. Nursing and co-sleeping are the things that I know I can do well! I have no idea what comes next.

The Only Opportunity for Peace During the "Hair Wars"

Non-Nutritive Sucking

Sucking is a normal baby reflex. It helps babies feel secure and happy, and helps them learn about their world. Babies may suck their thumbs, fingers, or hands... or a pacifier or other inanimate object such as a blanket or a toy. Most children discontinue their non-nutritive sucking habit between the ages of 2 & 4.

One evening, when I was exhausted, my daughter refused to go to sleep (even while nursing), and my husband was with friends watching a game... or maybe a UFC fight, I decided that we had had enough. I went to our medicine cabinet and put band-aids over each of my nipples. My daughter saw them, squalled for about 20 seconds, and finally went to sleep. She slept all night, which was rare. 

The next morning, the band-aids were still in place, but I had no plan or goal. However, when she felt the bandages over my nipples, she looked at me, asked to see them, touched them again, kissed my breast, told me that I was OK, then hopped off the bed. No morning time nursing, for the first time since her birth day. I thought, is this really happening? I kept the bandages on, she checked on me throughout the day, snaking her hand up or down my shirt every few hours, feeling the covered nipples, making eye contact, then moving on. If she really wanted to snuggle or go to sleep, she exposed my full breast, band-aid and all, and place her cheek or ear on it, and get quiet or fall asleep. 

Other mothers have used this technique, and within 3 days, their child is fully weaned. Not this one. She hasn't cried over not being able to breastfeed, but she continues to check on their status every day. I've used an entire box of band-aids, and my skin is tender. She has playfully covered hers, and even my mother's. Three weeks into this process, I ran across a post on Facebook where a mom, who happens to also be a lactation counselor, is in need of weaning help for her last little. She offered bribes. Her supporters offered prayers, energy, light, love, suggestions, and anecdotes. Within this single thread, there was sage advice, frustration, fatigue, hope, gratitude, laughter, and peace. It was breastfeeding ending exactly as it began. 

There are many reasons that a toddler will choose to continue to nurse, and each of them comes at a sacrifice to the mother whom has already given so much in this never ending labor of love called motherhood. The nipple twiddling and tweaking, the gymnurstics, the night nursing, and the forced "public indecency are a lot to handle, and none of them are pleasurable... yet somehow, we miss them after breastfeeding is over.  

Breastfeeding a 2 Year Old Provides:

29% of energy requirements
43% of protein requirements
36% of calcium requirements
75% of vitamin A requirements
76% of folate requirements
94% of vitamin B12 requirements
60% of vitamin C requirements

The irony behind the "pleasure" theory, is that most mothers, even of one child, who has ventured into the realm of extended breastfeeding, are completely out-touched. Nothing feels great and everything is an irritant. Many mothers are physically ready to stop nursing, well before they or their child are emotionally ready to stop. The pleasure of extended breastfeeding comes from knowing that a mom is giving her child what she needs, when she needs it, even if it's just love, affection, confidence, security, familiarity, and communication.

Breastfeeding is an unsentimental metaphor for how life works. You don't decide how much and how deeply to love- you respond to the beloved, and give with joy exactly as much as they want. -Marni Jackson

Do you have an experience with tandem or extended breastfeeding that you would love to share?