Toddler Weaning: What's Your Pleasure?

You are NOT a pacifier; you are a MOM. You are the sun, the moon, the earth, and the stars. You are liquid love, you are warmth, you are security, you are comfort in the very deepest aspect of the meaning comfort... but you are NOT a pacifier. -Paula Yount

I recently found myself in a non-breastfeeding, non-parenting social media group defending a toddler/ infant tandem nursing video. Everyone in the conversation, including moms who had nursed, spat harsh remarks about the relationship, mostly about how the mother "enjoyed" it so much, because she was smiling, laughing, rubbing the tots hair, and get this: breathing. I initially scrolled past the video in order comment on other pressing posts. However, since most of them know that I am a lactation professional, I was tagged into the post. I cringed. I scrolled past again, but now the notifications were coming, and boy were they tough to read. 

I finally decided to chime in, but I prefaced my remarks with "I'm a lactation counselor and the mother of a toddler nursling. I'll try to give some insight, without being overly intense or sensitive." I spoke my peace... a few times, then gave up. 

Perhaps you've seen the video. This mother was young, pretty, and had breasts that stood off of her chest while she took video of herself, lying on her back, nursing a toddler and a mobile infant. Provocative, right? The comments included mom having fantasies about her son, needing a man, needing attention, and needing to show off her (alleged) implants; while the son was too old, not actually getting any milk, no longer needing breast milk, growing up to be a breast man- and someone even said a rapist. I was horrified, and deeply saddened for our community. 

Not Ever.

I responded with information about breast milk never losing its nutritional benefit, the many reasons why a toddler might continue to nurse, the miracle of tandem nursing and how the toddler may actually be helping the infant to nurse more effectively- or help mom to be less engorged. I mentioned that a pregnant woman with breast augmentation, who wants to breastfeed is deeply concerned that she will be unable to nurse, but if she can, she is, and has every right to be pretty proud of herself- and very grateful. I talked about the movement to normalize breastfeeding and how more mothers are taking the courageous step to re-introduce to America, what was once done without issue, fear, shame, guilt, or judgement. I included that the link between breastfeeding, sex, pedophilia, and incest, is a disgusting one and that breasts are for the purpose of feeding a mammals young, first. Anything the happens outside of that is extra credit. 

25 Historical Images That Normalize Breastfeeding

After someone mentioned how the toddler was "working his tongue", I even shared a video of a typical tongue undulation pattern during breastfeeding. Fascinating!  

Before leaving the discussion entirely, I also brought up the possibility that allowing the older child to continue (or restart) nursing, might have been the best way for the family to adjust to the new baby. I touched on how challenging it can be for some toddlers (of either gender) to wean. Breastfeeding a toddler is often the only time that a mom can get the active tot to sit and relax. Contact with his mother activates a baby's parasympathetic nervous system, which switches off stress, enhances digestions, healing and growth, and imprints calm and connected.  

This is where I am. The World Health Organization states that AFTER two years, nursing should continue until a time that is mutually agreed upon by mother and child. I was ready to close the chapter on our beautiful journey through breastfeeding as we approached my daughter's third birthday. Breastfeeding for us began after a difficult pregnancy, moving to a new state, and into an unsupportive and uninformed breastfeeding environment. Our first latch was within the magic hour, and continued for an hour after that. I never had nipple pain, cracked nipples, mastitis, or low supply issues. I responded well to the pump and when it was time to return to work, I had more than enough. The in-home childcare provider confessed that she was waiting for my stash to run its course. We never ran out. In fact, I really should have donated some, but I was not well-informed on the donation process at the time. When I did have (very normal) fears about being able to make it to the end of year one, I sought and found support at our local La Leche League and Breastfeeding Coalition- It was there where I first witnessed extended breastfeeding and first heard of tandem breastfeeding. 

For us, breastfeeding lived up to its hype entirely, while also giving me the opportunity to help and inspire many other moms and babies whose journeys were not as easy. I became a ROSE and Breastfeeding USA peer counselor, then a certified lactation counselor, during my own breastfeeding journey. I even had the opportunity to encourage moms to nurse by having our picture on hospital walls, bus stop posters, and a city billboard. 

Tennessee Department of Health

Photographs by Erica

That said, my soon-to-be 3 year old was not ready to come to the negotiating table for the recommended "mutual agreement". I never wanted our beautiful story to end dramatically or traumatically. Prior to this, whenever people asked, I quipped that we hoped to be fully weaned before she goes to college. I was beginning to think that we were getting closer to that target date than I had intended. With so many mothers in my many online support groups having challenges to establish or maintain a breastfeeding routine throughout the recommended 1 year (or 2 years), I internalized asking for weaning support in a breastfeeding group as insensitive, so I've been struggling in silence... with a smile, and a little guilt. 

Although after 3 years, and 10 months. I desperately wanted my body back, I was concerned about how my daughter would respond to weaning. More importantly, how was I going to parent without nursing? We have used nursing for everything! It has been an amazing source of nutrition; we believe that it has given her an amazing immune boost, as she is very rarely sick, and when she is, it's never severe, and it's never for very long. When my daughter was tired, we nursed; when she was frustrated, we nursed; when she was overwhelmed (like when watching Frozen on Ice, rink side), we nursed; when she hurt herself, we nursed; when she was afraid, we nursed; when we traveled long distances on buses planes, and trains- aren't you lucky- we nursed; and when she didn't want to sit for me to do her hair, we nursed. Breastfeeding was a magic bullet. Nursing and co-sleeping are the things that I know I can do well! I have no idea what comes next.

The Only Opportunity for Peace During the "Hair Wars"

Non-Nutritive Sucking

Sucking is a normal baby reflex. It helps babies feel secure and happy, and helps them learn about their world. Babies may suck their thumbs, fingers, or hands... or a pacifier or other inanimate object such as a blanket or a toy. Most children discontinue their non-nutritive sucking habit between the ages of 2 & 4.

One evening, when I was exhausted, my daughter refused to go to sleep (even while nursing), and my husband was with friends watching a game... or maybe a UFC fight, I decided that we had had enough. I went to our medicine cabinet and put band-aids over each of my nipples. My daughter saw them, squalled for about 20 seconds, and finally went to sleep. She slept all night, which was rare. 

The next morning, the band-aids were still in place, but I had no plan or goal. However, when she felt the bandages over my nipples, she looked at me, asked to see them, touched them again, kissed my breast, told me that I was OK, then hopped off the bed. No morning time nursing, for the first time since her birth day. I thought, is this really happening? I kept the bandages on, she checked on me throughout the day, snaking her hand up or down my shirt every few hours, feeling the covered nipples, making eye contact, then moving on. If she really wanted to snuggle or go to sleep, she exposed my full breast, band-aid and all, and place her cheek or ear on it, and get quiet or fall asleep. 

Other mothers have used this technique, and within 3 days, their child is fully weaned. Not this one. She hasn't cried over not being able to breastfeed, but she continues to check on their status every day. I've used an entire box of band-aids, and my skin is tender. She has playfully covered hers, and even my mother's. Three weeks into this process, I ran across a post on Facebook where a mom, who happens to also be a lactation counselor, is in need of weaning help for her last little. She offered bribes. Her supporters offered prayers, energy, light, love, suggestions, and anecdotes. Within this single thread, there was sage advice, frustration, fatigue, hope, gratitude, laughter, and peace. It was breastfeeding ending exactly as it began. 

There are many reasons that a toddler will choose to continue to nurse, and each of them comes at a sacrifice to the mother whom has already given so much in this never ending labor of love called motherhood. The nipple twiddling and tweaking, the gymnurstics, the night nursing, and the forced "public indecency are a lot to handle, and none of them are pleasurable... yet somehow, we miss them after breastfeeding is over.  

Breastfeeding a 2 Year Old Provides:

29% of energy requirements
43% of protein requirements
36% of calcium requirements
75% of vitamin A requirements
76% of folate requirements
94% of vitamin B12 requirements
60% of vitamin C requirements

The irony behind the "pleasure" theory, is that most mothers, even of one child, who has ventured into the realm of extended breastfeeding, are completely out-touched. Nothing feels great and everything is an irritant. Many mothers are physically ready to stop nursing, well before they or their child are emotionally ready to stop. The pleasure of extended breastfeeding comes from knowing that a mom is giving her child what she needs, when she needs it, even if it's just love, affection, confidence, security, familiarity, and communication.

Breastfeeding is an unsentimental metaphor for how life works. You don't decide how much and how deeply to love- you respond to the beloved, and give with joy exactly as much as they want. -Marni Jackson

Do you have an experience with tandem or extended breastfeeding that you would love to share?