Where is the New Mom Euphoria?

Being a mother is discovering strengths you didn't know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed. - Sherene Simon

Motherhood evokes a myriad of emotions and expectations. One of the most common expectations is for the mother to experience an overwhelming sense of joy, elation, delight, and glee. The reality is, for a variety of reasons, many moms do not immediately experience these emotions. Find out how Blossom Mom Rashan Ali discovered and overcame this missing new mommy link: 

When I looked at my newborn, Bailey, for the first time, that euphoric feeling of overwhelming love did not exist.  There, I said it.  It is my truth.  I had no idea what to do with this little person whose eyes glared back at me in complete wonderment.  She stared at me like she knew I had no clue.  She probably knew because she had just come from being the closest to God that any human can ever be, until we transition later.

I was at the height of my radio career as the host of the A-Team Morning Show on HOT 107.9 in Atlanta, Georgia.  I was one of a handful of women who led a morning show.  It was literally unheard of.  We are typically the sidekicks.  After a very short maternity leave, I would have to nurse my newborn at 4:30 am every morning and hand her over to my husband as I walked away.  There was an underlying guilt that lingered.  One that I’ve just recently gotten over. That newborn just turned nine.

My morning radio career lasted long into her toddler years.  I wasn’t there to do her hair.  I wasn’t there to make her breakfast.  I wasn’t there to even clothe her.  What kind of mother was I?  I felt like a bad one.  One that let her career be number one in her world.  

Forgiving Yourself of Mommy Guilt

In 2009, we welcomed our second daughter, Carter.  Prior to her birth, I was out of work after my radio contract was not renewed.  I was home during the latter part of my pregnancy and then well into the first seven months of her life.  What a completely different experience.  For the first time in Bailey’s life, I was there in the morning.  I was there to cook her breakfast and make her lunch.  I was there to tell her to, “Do your best and be a leader.” (A statement we say each morning to our girls before they go to school.)  Our second daughter knew nothing about not having her mother there in the morning.  It was what she was used to.

There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman. - M. Russell Ballard

I made up for lost time with Bailey.  I realized I missed out on cultivating that relationship.  Those moments are precious and can never be revisited once they have passed.  During my second pregnancy, she and I grew closer.  So close that I had no idea how I could love another human being like I loved her.  But God knew.  And He did, as He always does.  

A mother's love is whole no matter how many times it's divided. 

When our second daughter was born, I found the euphoria.  I learned how to love through Bailey.  She showed me what the meaning of being a mother really felt like.  But it didn’t come easily for me.  I learned how to be a mother.  I’m still working on being a “good” mother.  

I don’t want women to feel like they have to be “picture perfect” as we take on the most important job of our lives: motherhood.  Every woman’s experience is different.  Every woman’s love and journey is different and should not be judged.  Recently, I posted a question on Facebook. I asked my mother followers, “What kind of mother are you?”  I used my own example: “I’m a can’t do hair, dancing machine, God-loving but will listen to Jeezy type mom.  I’m a silly, cooking and school volunteer but don’t do crafts type mom.”

There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills, different abilities, and certainly different children.

I had over 100 responses from women describing what type of mother they are.  It was interesting to see how liberated these women seem to feel about who they are to their children.  It was almost like a sigh of relief that they can state who they are and be okay with it on a social media platform.  I pray they look in the mirror and smile back at the mother they are.  She is perfect just the way she is.

Stay at Home Moms vs Working Moms

Bailey and Carter are beautiful children inside and out.  My husband is an outstanding father.  They are both Daddy’s girls, but Bailey and Brian have a special bond.  All they had was each other in the beginning.  But God has a way of restoring things as though they were and I know that He granted me that in the mother that I have become for both of them.  I’ve grown into putting the “good” in front of mother when describing myself. My constant prayer is that I am being the mother that I need to be for my children.  Their smiles, self-awareness, happiness, kindness, loving spirits and love of God prove that I must be doing alright. That’s all the euphoria I need.

With a passion for sports and empowering young women, Rashan Ali continues to establish herself as a revered multimedia personality within the sports and entertainment industries. An Atlanta native and graduate of Florida A&M University, she has given her candid perspective on local radio for 12 years on HOT 107.9, V-103 and 94.5.  Recently, Rashan has made her full transition into television as a freelance sports anchor for Headline News and CNN; sideline reporter for CBS Sports Network, host of Under Armour Highlights of the Week on the NFHS Network and co-host of Falcons Rise Up Weekly on the CW Network.

Her passion lies deeply in the community.  She is the founder of  Sporty Girls, Inc., -a  non-profit organization which encourages the development of life skills in girls ages 8-18 through participation in non-traditional sports like golf, tennis, soccer and swimming. Ali has recently published and released her first children’s book, “Piper Sky’s Pink Popsicle Shoes.” Rashan is a proud member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc.

She is married to Brian Smith and they have two daughters, Bailey and Carter. Check out RashanAli.com and Follow Rashan Ali on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram! 

Can you relate to Rashan Ali's story? Did you have less than euphoric feelings about being a new mom? 

Do you want to share your pregnancy or new mom story? Share with us now! 

Toddler Weaning: What's Your Pleasure?

You are NOT a pacifier; you are a MOM. You are the sun, the moon, the earth, and the stars. You are liquid love, you are warmth, you are security, you are comfort in the very deepest aspect of the meaning comfort... but you are NOT a pacifier. -Paula Yount

I recently found myself in a non-breastfeeding, non-parenting social media group defending a toddler/ infant tandem nursing video. Everyone in the conversation, including moms who had nursed, spat harsh remarks about the relationship, mostly about how the mother "enjoyed" it so much, because she was smiling, laughing, rubbing the tots hair, and get this: breathing. I initially scrolled past the video in order comment on other pressing posts. However, since most of them know that I am a lactation professional, I was tagged into the post. I cringed. I scrolled past again, but now the notifications were coming, and boy were they tough to read. 

I finally decided to chime in, but I prefaced my remarks with "I'm a lactation counselor and the mother of a toddler nursling. I'll try to give some insight, without being overly intense or sensitive." I spoke my peace... a few times, then gave up. 

Perhaps you've seen the video. This mother was young, pretty, and had breasts that stood off of her chest while she took video of herself, lying on her back, nursing a toddler and a mobile infant. Provocative, right? The comments included mom having fantasies about her son, needing a man, needing attention, and needing to show off her (alleged) implants; while the son was too old, not actually getting any milk, no longer needing breast milk, growing up to be a breast man- and someone even said a rapist. I was horrified, and deeply saddened for our community. 

Not Ever.

I responded with information about breast milk never losing its nutritional benefit, the many reasons why a toddler might continue to nurse, the miracle of tandem nursing and how the toddler may actually be helping the infant to nurse more effectively- or help mom to be less engorged. I mentioned that a pregnant woman with breast augmentation, who wants to breastfeed is deeply concerned that she will be unable to nurse, but if she can, she is, and has every right to be pretty proud of herself- and very grateful. I talked about the movement to normalize breastfeeding and how more mothers are taking the courageous step to re-introduce to America, what was once done without issue, fear, shame, guilt, or judgement. I included that the link between breastfeeding, sex, pedophilia, and incest, is a disgusting one and that breasts are for the purpose of feeding a mammals young, first. Anything the happens outside of that is extra credit. 

25 Historical Images That Normalize Breastfeeding

After someone mentioned how the toddler was "working his tongue", I even shared a video of a typical tongue undulation pattern during breastfeeding. Fascinating!  

Before leaving the discussion entirely, I also brought up the possibility that allowing the older child to continue (or restart) nursing, might have been the best way for the family to adjust to the new baby. I touched on how challenging it can be for some toddlers (of either gender) to wean. Breastfeeding a toddler is often the only time that a mom can get the active tot to sit and relax. Contact with his mother activates a baby's parasympathetic nervous system, which switches off stress, enhances digestions, healing and growth, and imprints calm and connected.  

This is where I am. The World Health Organization states that AFTER two years, nursing should continue until a time that is mutually agreed upon by mother and child. I was ready to close the chapter on our beautiful journey through breastfeeding as we approached my daughter's third birthday. Breastfeeding for us began after a difficult pregnancy, moving to a new state, and into an unsupportive and uninformed breastfeeding environment. Our first latch was within the magic hour, and continued for an hour after that. I never had nipple pain, cracked nipples, mastitis, or low supply issues. I responded well to the pump and when it was time to return to work, I had more than enough. The in-home childcare provider confessed that she was waiting for my stash to run its course. We never ran out. In fact, I really should have donated some, but I was not well-informed on the donation process at the time. When I did have (very normal) fears about being able to make it to the end of year one, I sought and found support at our local La Leche League and Breastfeeding Coalition- It was there where I first witnessed extended breastfeeding and first heard of tandem breastfeeding. 

For us, breastfeeding lived up to its hype entirely, while also giving me the opportunity to help and inspire many other moms and babies whose journeys were not as easy. I became a ROSE and Breastfeeding USA peer counselor, then a certified lactation counselor, during my own breastfeeding journey. I even had the opportunity to encourage moms to nurse by having our picture on hospital walls, bus stop posters, and a city billboard. 

Tennessee Department of Health

Photographs by Erica

That said, my soon-to-be 3 year old was not ready to come to the negotiating table for the recommended "mutual agreement". I never wanted our beautiful story to end dramatically or traumatically. Prior to this, whenever people asked, I quipped that we hoped to be fully weaned before she goes to college. I was beginning to think that we were getting closer to that target date than I had intended. With so many mothers in my many online support groups having challenges to establish or maintain a breastfeeding routine throughout the recommended 1 year (or 2 years), I internalized asking for weaning support in a breastfeeding group as insensitive, so I've been struggling in silence... with a smile, and a little guilt. 

Although after 3 years, and 10 months. I desperately wanted my body back, I was concerned about how my daughter would respond to weaning. More importantly, how was I going to parent without nursing? We have used nursing for everything! It has been an amazing source of nutrition; we believe that it has given her an amazing immune boost, as she is very rarely sick, and when she is, it's never severe, and it's never for very long. When my daughter was tired, we nursed; when she was frustrated, we nursed; when she was overwhelmed (like when watching Frozen on Ice, rink side), we nursed; when she hurt herself, we nursed; when she was afraid, we nursed; when we traveled long distances on buses planes, and trains- aren't you lucky- we nursed; and when she didn't want to sit for me to do her hair, we nursed. Breastfeeding was a magic bullet. Nursing and co-sleeping are the things that I know I can do well! I have no idea what comes next.

The Only Opportunity for Peace During the "Hair Wars"

Non-Nutritive Sucking

Sucking is a normal baby reflex. It helps babies feel secure and happy, and helps them learn about their world. Babies may suck their thumbs, fingers, or hands... or a pacifier or other inanimate object such as a blanket or a toy. Most children discontinue their non-nutritive sucking habit between the ages of 2 & 4.

One evening, when I was exhausted, my daughter refused to go to sleep (even while nursing), and my husband was with friends watching a game... or maybe a UFC fight, I decided that we had had enough. I went to our medicine cabinet and put band-aids over each of my nipples. My daughter saw them, squalled for about 20 seconds, and finally went to sleep. She slept all night, which was rare. 

The next morning, the band-aids were still in place, but I had no plan or goal. However, when she felt the bandages over my nipples, she looked at me, asked to see them, touched them again, kissed my breast, told me that I was OK, then hopped off the bed. No morning time nursing, for the first time since her birth day. I thought, is this really happening? I kept the bandages on, she checked on me throughout the day, snaking her hand up or down my shirt every few hours, feeling the covered nipples, making eye contact, then moving on. If she really wanted to snuggle or go to sleep, she exposed my full breast, band-aid and all, and place her cheek or ear on it, and get quiet or fall asleep. 

Other mothers have used this technique, and within 3 days, their child is fully weaned. Not this one. She hasn't cried over not being able to breastfeed, but she continues to check on their status every day. I've used an entire box of band-aids, and my skin is tender. She has playfully covered hers, and even my mother's. Three weeks into this process, I ran across a post on Facebook where a mom, who happens to also be a lactation counselor, is in need of weaning help for her last little. She offered bribes. Her supporters offered prayers, energy, light, love, suggestions, and anecdotes. Within this single thread, there was sage advice, frustration, fatigue, hope, gratitude, laughter, and peace. It was breastfeeding ending exactly as it began. 

There are many reasons that a toddler will choose to continue to nurse, and each of them comes at a sacrifice to the mother whom has already given so much in this never ending labor of love called motherhood. The nipple twiddling and tweaking, the gymnurstics, the night nursing, and the forced "public indecency are a lot to handle, and none of them are pleasurable... yet somehow, we miss them after breastfeeding is over.  

Breastfeeding a 2 Year Old Provides:

29% of energy requirements
43% of protein requirements
36% of calcium requirements
75% of vitamin A requirements
76% of folate requirements
94% of vitamin B12 requirements
60% of vitamin C requirements

The irony behind the "pleasure" theory, is that most mothers, even of one child, who has ventured into the realm of extended breastfeeding, are completely out-touched. Nothing feels great and everything is an irritant. Many mothers are physically ready to stop nursing, well before they or their child are emotionally ready to stop. The pleasure of extended breastfeeding comes from knowing that a mom is giving her child what she needs, when she needs it, even if it's just love, affection, confidence, security, familiarity, and communication.

Breastfeeding is an unsentimental metaphor for how life works. You don't decide how much and how deeply to love- you respond to the beloved, and give with joy exactly as much as they want. -Marni Jackson

Do you have an experience with tandem or extended breastfeeding that you would love to share?

Hot Yoga. Haute Mama. Practicing in the Hot Room While Pregnant

January 1st, 2013, just 4 days before I was to be induced, at the end of my pretty miserable pregnancy, I walked into my newish Bikram yoga studio. I'm calling it "newish", because I had been practicing there regularly since I relocated to Memphis at 32 weeks and anytime I visited the city, prior to that, including three times during my pregnancy. Before my move, I had been practicing in the hot room for 7 years, and up to 5 times a week during my pregnancy, at my first favorite studio, in Decatur, GA. 

Rebecca R., Still Hot Yoga Manager & Instructor

It was at that studio, where I saw my first teacher become pregnant, then practice and teach with amazing poise, health, and grace. Over the years, I witnessed two other instructors, and several students practice safely and beautifully. With an interest in pregnancy health, I asked the owner- who happens to be married to an amazing midwife- about the thermoregulation of mother and child. An increase in a pregnant woman's core body temperature may cause physiological damage to the developing embryo.

It was then, years before my own pregnancy, that I learned that even in the hot room, the core body temperature does not increase during the practice. Years before that, he had allowed a student, who was also a nurse, to leave class periodically in order to check her internal temperature. There was no increase throughout the 90 minute practice. The profuse sweating is thought to assist in lowering the core body temperature.

Before her own pregnancy, the studio manager happened to take a specialized and intimate training with Rajashree Choudhury, Bikram's wife, who modified the 26 postures for pregnancy. There, she learned about precautions and other techniques for expectant mothers. The pregnancy series is thoughtful, helpful, and simply amazing. With guidance, I began peppering in aspects of it at 8 weeks and continued with the full series throughout my entire pregnancy. 

Back to New Year's Day: As I stated, I had practiced in the studio numerous times while pregnant, but had not yet had the pleasure of meeting the owner... until this day, when he told me that I could not attend class, without a specific doctor's note. Since I had signed the studio's liability waiver- which even covers death, there was no legal need to require a special pregnancy waiver. I wouldn't win any case, if anything would have happened to me at that point, during or after class. 

Dejected and disappointed, with tears in my eyes, and a big baby in my belly, I returned home penned this note to the owner. 

I was very much looking forward to spending the first day of the year in Bikram's hot room, just as I have for the past 5 years.  Typically, I also run at least 5 miles on January 1, but being 39 weeks pregnant has made that difficult.  I am a very active woman, whom over the past months has had to relinquish hiking Stone Mountain (in GA), kettle bells, running half-marathons, and even walking long distances because of changes in my body.  Daily, I am so happy that I have been able to maintain a consistent yoga practice, specifically Bikram yoga, which I have practiced regularly for 7 years.  You may be able to imagine my disappointment when I was suddenly rejected from class today because I did not have a doctor's note stating that it were permissible to practice during my pregnancy. This had not been requested on any other day. 

After speaking with my doctor and presenting her with literature and testimonials regarding Bikram yoga during pregnancy, she verbally approved my participation in class- a written note was not necessary at my studio, as several teachers and students had practiced right through their natural and fast deliveries.  I have practiced since my 13th week of pregnancy, with Rajashree's modifications, needed or not.  I have practiced regularly at three different studios, including this one.  With running, walking and even sleeping becoming increasingly difficult, Bikram is one of the only times that my body feels normal and discomfort-free.  I feel better after yoga than I do after a massage, shower, of half-hearted foot rub from my husband.  The left SI joint and right rib that my child has gradually displaced become realigned during class, allowing me to move and breathe better.   

Holding standing bow for even 45 seconds makes up for how crazy I feel while losing my balance in the shower.  Rajashree's floor serious is nothing short of amazing for alleviating back pain and creating more space in my crowded abdomen. I am confident that the controlled breathing will help my physical and emotional pangs of labor. Especially in these last few days of my pregnancy, when I need my husband to help me roll out of bed to get to the bathroom, I feel strong and able in Bikram. I needed that feeling today. I ignored my fatigue and braved the cold to be chauffeured by my husband from Collierville (just in case) to make it  to the last class of the day.  I was completely blindsided and confounded by my denied class admission.  My studio in Atlanta was very supportive of practicing while pregnant, so I am not sure of all of these extra and unnecessary fears and road blocks.   

From a liability perspective, the language in your waiver should be so comprehensive that it includes anything happening in class from stubbing a toe to dying.  A well-written waiver should not have to highlight any specific "condition" including pregnancy, especially after the first trimester- the critical period. Your instructors are knowledgeable and supportive. A regular practitioner should have no issue listening to her body and following the pregnancy modifications, along with her doctor's/ midwife's advice.  Finally, you cannot presume that you care more about my child than I do.  Even after witnessing several women practice while pregnant, when it was my time, I completed AMPLE research to confirm my child's safety before I began practicing.  

I am well aware of the signs and symptoms of labor and would not risk my health or the health of my child for any reason.  In short, there was no good reason to be rejected from class today or on any day during my pregnancy. I recommend reviewing the "risks" and benefits of practicing while pregnant and consider revising your "policy" to reflect Bikram's and Rajashree's research, experience and viewpoints on the topic.  For now, I will turn up my space heater and go for what I know as I continue to move toward a peaceful delivery this weekend. 

The studio owner and I had a few more exchanges, following this note, but he did not change his perspective, and the next time I saw my doctor would be at my induction. There would be no Resolution Practice for me on that day, but in that year. Side note: at a million weeks pregnant, and facing a planned induction, I would have loved to have gone into labor at the studio, or on the way home. On January 6th, I birthed a healthy baby girl, after 23 hours of labor, and 7 minutes of pushing. I began teaching at a new hot yoga studio four months later, where we welcome, educate, and nurture hot mamas-to-be. 

New Year's Day 2013

39 Weeks, 2 Days

We always recommend that a pregnant woman be cleared for ANY exercise, by her provider, once she learns of her pregnancy. We never recommend that a woman begins hot yoga when already pregnant. Long time hot yoga practitioners, with low risk pregnancies, should have no challenges continuing with the practice as before. However, many physicians, fitness instructors, and mothers do tend to avoid moderate to heavy exercise during the critical first trimester, simply because so many things can happen during that time, and no one wants to take the blame for that otherwise natural process. However, there is nothing that happens to the body or the baby, in the hot room, that makes it unsafe. 

The room itself, is no hotter than the summer air in India, and all around the equator, where healthy mothers and healthy babies thrive every day. As with any pregnancy, and as with any regular hot practice, an expectant mother would need to maximize her hydration inside and outside of the class, listen to her body, and take breaks whenever necessary... also, take plenty of pictures. You're going to be om-mazed at what your new body can (still) do. 

This individual experience is not meant to override the advice of any provider, but may help to add some clarity about the physiology of practicing hot yoga while pregnant. 

Do you have an experience of practicing while pregnant?